Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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