He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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