Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
