I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
