My Higher Power is John Stamos
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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