Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
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