DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
