My Higher Power is John Stamos
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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