"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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