great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
