I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
