I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
