in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
