Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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