I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
