I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Dicks are not precious.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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