Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
