A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
