I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you