I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
this boner is exhausting
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
