I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.