Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
