Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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