i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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