ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
