Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
