so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
