Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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