you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
