don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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