weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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