I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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