She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He's on the porch naked. Help.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
