I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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