With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
