I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He did a backflip because drugs
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
