Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
