you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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