Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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