I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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