DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
