anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Randomize
