Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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