So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
