My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
