community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
