You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
