evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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