I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
All the doctor said was why
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
