I can tuck mytits in my pants
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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