I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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