Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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