He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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