Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
