Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
