I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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