she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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