bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
