fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
