How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
